One last time

Well, this has been a wild ride! I hope you have been able to learn as much from my blogs as I have throughout this journey. It hasn't been easy but it has definitely been worth it. As I look back on everything that I have learned this semester I am completely astounded. There is so much knowledge and information out there that could really benefit your life. I have definitely seen this for myself as I have been able write on the things I have learned. This last topic I want to focus on for today is the topic of divorce and remarriage. This is also a very tricky marriage. It can sometimes be hard to identify what needs to happen but I feel like it is important to know some things that you might want to know in case this ever happens to your family later on. I'm not saying will as divorce is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, but it is always a possibility and being prepared is always the best course of action for any sort of disaster.

Did you know that 70 percent of the people that get a divorce, when surveyed 2 years later say that they should have tried to save their marriage. This is really sad to me. 2 years isn't very much time and if 70 percent of them regret their divorce than it kinda proves that marriage is worth the effort in some situations. Now this isn't always the case. In situations like abuse, whether mental or physical, or other life threatening situations it is better to escape. Also, 2 years after their divorce 70 percent of men are remarried, it is different for women. The really sad this with this is 62 percent of remarriages where there are kids involved fail. This is really sad, but it makes sense. Remarriage with kids is difficult because they are merging different lifestyles. The kids already know their original parents and sometimes have a prejudice of the new person joining their family because they don't want them to take the place of their father. It is also difficult to figure out the consequences and how to dole them out. If their are teenage children they don't want someone other than their actual dad to punish them and they get mad and react badly about it. The birth parents should be the ones to deal with the discipline. You should also accept that it will take at least 2 years to reach a sense of normalcy in the relationship because you are definitely trying to merge your lifestyles and it isn't easy.

The biggest cause of divorce is from selfishness. Often times people think that the leading cause of divorce is infidelity, but it really isn't. I think that sometimes infidelity is a thing because of selfishness. The people don't think that they are getting enough attention or whatever it may be. Since they have these feelings and don't like to feel that way they just decide to take whatever they want even though it hurts others. Divorce is hard and can make you feel worthless, but don't every let those thoughts stay in your mind. You are totally worth it and you deserve to be happy. You are not worth any less if your spouse decides to leave you and you can do many wonderful things in your life. I have definitely seen many people like this in my life. The have helped with so many things and been amazing examples to me of how I should live my life.

As I said earlier, this is my final blog. I really hope that you have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New year.

What is the purpose of parenting?

What is the purpose of parenting? This is an age old question which may seem insignificant at first but is actually extremely important. I feel like the purpose of parenting is to raise your children in loving homes where they can escape the confusion of the world, and grow up in ways that they can be examples to others in the world. You don't have to just take my word on this though. You can also take the word of Dr. Michael Popkin where he said " The purpose of parenting is to protect and prepare children to survive and thrive in the world in which they will live." These to opinions both show ways that being a parent can have a positive impact in a child's life. It is so important to be able to help them change and be strong so they can withstand the temptations of the world and can be prepared for the confusion in which they will live. I will be one of the first ones you meet to admit I don't always understand everything going on in the world, but I am also super grateful for my parents and everything they did to prepare me for life. I am currently living in an apartment with 5 other people from different backgrounds and upbringings as well as going to college. If I didn't have their advice given to me throughout my entire life I would be very lost and confused in this world.

Another important thing with parenting is understanding the basic needs of each individual and doing things to help those needs be met. There are 5 basic needs each person needs. They are contact/belonging, power, protection, withdrawal, and challenge. There are different ways to approach these needs and some of them are better than others. With contact and belonging you have a mistaken approach where you may think they don't need it. They'll be just fine. In reality this leads to some undue attention seeking, or the children go to extreme lengths for that attention and sense of belonging. If you would just freely give them contact or a hug, this may lessen gradually until it disappears. Another way to help with this need is to show them that they can contribute. Allow them to cook alongside you when you make dinner, or clean up after themselves. This helps them to know that they are important and you value what they have to add to the family. With power, they need to know they can control things in their own lives or they may rebel and try to control others. If you allow them to make their own choices and deal with the consequences they will grow up and be able to see the good and the bad of each choice they make. If they don't have protection they may try to take revenge on those who hurt them. This just creates more problems and is never good. You need to be assertive, but show them that they can be forgiven. You need to lead by example because what they see they will do. Sometimes they do something and it makes you so  mad. Instead of acting on that anger, withdraw or take a break and come back when you have calmed down. This will help them to stop avoiding people who make them angry. You need to make sure you come back though or the feelings will just fester. The last item is challenge. They might turn to risk taking, but you can turn it back to skill building like playing the piano or writing their alphabet. If you will ensure the kids have each of these needs met, you will have a much happier family and will be able to see the effect of your parenting every day.

Parenting and acounting

 What is the effect of parenting? Honestly this is a really hard one to judge. Sometimes we think that there isn't a very big effect from parenting but it really truly has a huge effect. Can you think of moments in your life where nothing seemed to be going you're way and then all of a sudden Mom or Dad stepped in with a fresh perspective and everything else seemed to suddenly all work out. I definitely have. There are many times where I go kinda crazy and only the loving support of my parents helps me to see the error of my ways and return to being the Angelic person I normally am. Just kidding. There have been many situations where I am extremely mad at a sibling for something I think they are doing, but really they aren't and I don't even want to talk to them. My parents lovingly help me to see the actual story and realize that I may have misread some things. Or there are times where everything seems to be against me. I'm failing some tests, my car broke down, my friends all abandoned me etc. and they come and remind me of all the good things I have in my life so I don't just focus on the bad. 

As wonderful as parents are, they are also very different in the roles that they play in our lives. For me, I go to my mom when I am struggling with self-worth, or really frustrated with someone or something. Even though she hasn't been in my exact position she can empathize with me and help me to feel better while also helping me to prepare for other difficult times ahead of me. She is my confidant and my best friend. Then you have my dad. If I tried to share everything with my dad that I share with my mom, he would tell me to stop complaining and get on with life. It would be in a slightly more kind way but you get the gist of it all. My Dad is the one I go to when I need to feel safe. He is strong and loving and I know that he will always be there for me no matter what I do. He has been a huge example to me of hard work even when it isn't pleasant. While I was growing up he was let go from a job he loved for budget cuts and in order to support our family he worked in the oil fields. While this was hard and we didn't see him very often, he still made time for us to know he loved us. He hated this work but he never gave up either. There are many more ways that moms and dads can be different, and each family is different. Sometimes the dad is the one you confide in and mom is the one you go to in order to feel safe. Regardless of the outcomes, it is super important for each family to have a mother and a father. They provide stability and support in every situation and life is a lot darker without the other. The kids don't have as much time without both parents and often times have really difficult lives. Often they are more likely to become school shooters, or get on drugs and go to jail. This is a sad statistic.

Another aspect of families is finances. It doesn't always mean you are more financially stable if both spouses are working.  This is not always true. You have to take into account the fact that now you need to pay for daycare, and other things like that. It is also hard for little kids to be away from their parents for so long. Also, many marriages have problems that start with money. As you can see, parents truly have a very big responsibility and an effect in your lives.

Communication mishaps?

 Have you ever wondered the affect communication actually has? I have, and luckily I have learned a lot about this in the last week.  When I hear communication my initial thought is when I keep my family updated on my life but to be honest with you there is so much more involved in it than that. For example, have you ever gone on a date with someone and they want more out of it than you? I definitely have. In fact, this happened to me last week. This person was my friend and are a lot older than me but they were ready to be in a relationship. I attempted to tell them I wasn't interested in a relationship but he didn't quite catch this even though I thought I stated it quite plainly in my opinion and so the friendship kinda ended badly with a fairly big text argument. Luckily we have made up a little bit and are able to be friends again even though it is a little bit strained. This example shows quite a few examples of miscommunication. 

An important thing with communication is making sure the message you sent is received by having them send it back to you. If you tell a friend to Go find a spot to sit for devotional, and they don't, then they probably didn't understand exactly what you were wanting. It is important to clarify with the individual that they understand and have them repeat it back to you. Each family says things differently and we need to all understand that and support each other despite our differences.

It also represents some of the different ways that we can communicate with each other. We have text, phone call, social media, in person and much more. I tried to explain in person but he didn't understand so I sent a very blunt text instead. He got my message then. Despite so many different types of communication, it is still hard to get our messages across. When communicating we need words, tone, and nonverbal communication. Our words is pretty self explanatory. It is everything that you say. This takes up 14% of our communication. 35% is tone, or how we say it. For example, have you ever noticed that when you are asking a question your voice goes up at the end? Mine definitely does. O how when you are angry your voice drops down and becomes more intimidating? This is because you are trying to express yourself in a way others will understand. The other 51% is from nonverbal communication or how we use our body language, and our facial expressions. Have you ever seen someone who has a really intimidating glare? You don't really want to go talk to them because you don't want them to bite your head off and eat it for breakfast. On the other hand if someone is smiling and happy they are more approachable and you comfortable asking them for help. In the situation of my date I probably wasn't making my nonverbal communication as clear as I should have so he was mixing them up.

The Last thing that I want to talk about is ways you can resolve an argument without brawling in the middle of the street. It is called the 5 secrets of effective communication by David Burns. Keep in mind these can appear in any order, but for simplicity sake I am going to number them 1-5. number 1 is to disarm. Look at their point of view and try to see it how they are feeling. When you do that you can see the truth that they are feeling and arguing for and it helps you understand them better. The second step is to express empathy for their situation. Realize how hard it is for them and let them know that. 3rd Inquiry or confirm with the individual that you have the right idea for the situation.4rth is to say I feel statements and assert how you are feeling while not diminishing their feelings and the last step is to stroke them or state  your admiration for them. This helps them to see that you truly do care about them and want to keep a relationship with them. As I said, communication is super important in any relationships.

Stress

 As we all know there are many things that happen in our lives. This can cause stress, but stress in small amounts is actually very healthy for you. Without it we wouldn't really grow or become better. When we thing of stress we often think of the extreme levels of stress some people deal with that causes depression and anxiety but that isn't the only type of stress. In fact stress is the emption being applied while the others are examples of distress or being subjected too to much stress. Now lots of stress isn't always something to fear. In fact, a few times when we go through extreme amounts of stress it can help us to do superhuman things that we normally can't even dream of doing. Have you ever heard stories of someone picking up a car so they could rescue a child or spouse, or even stories of people becoming hyper-aware or focused in dangerous situations so they can protect themselves or others? I have. Once when driving on a freeway in California I didn't realize that my lane was ending and by the time I realized I was in the middle of a semi and my lane was about to end leading to a crash with the semi. Instead of freaking out I suddenly seemed to know exactly what I needed to do in order to finish passing the semi and not crash including how much I needed to accelerate when I should turn the wheel. Well, obviously I survived but it was a really crazy situation and I was totally scared afterwards.

A really interesting fact I recently learned is that when you write the word crisis in Chinese it is in fact two words. Dangerous and opportunity. We all go through situations with crisis and have to be creative in order to overcome them. When trying to help someone who is dealing with so much stress they are becoming depressed don't try to help them by sugarcoating it or by saying think Happy thoughts. This isn't going to help them and may send them into a darker spiral while making it so they don't come to you as often. So how do I help them you may ask? Well be their friend. Help them know that they are loved and you are always there for them. You can also try to help them seek professional help. It is true that if they would take action to do something it would help them overcome that depression, but it only makes them feel worse and like you are judging them. Something I was told on my church mission is to Change My Perspective. Instead of saying the world is to dark. No one cares about me, or maybe I'm not pretty enough. These are all lies you have told yourselves. It is hard to overcome them but not impossible. Instead of thinking things like this you can try to look out of the box. It needs to be a truth because truth combats lies but you should look at things with a different perspective. I heard a quote the other day that goes something like this "don't try to take away the pain, take away the lies." I don't remember exactly who said it but I thought it was very profound. Pain is a necessary evil and helps us to grow but we don't need to make ourselves suffer because of lies we have made up. 

Now I know this isn't a perfect representation of stress. There is so much more out there I didn't cover and don't even know myself, but it is an attempt to help others who are struggling. You are not alone and you are important even if you don't feel like it at the moment. There are so many people who care for you that you don't even know about.

Intimacy in the Family?

 Have you ever stopped to consider the effect that sexual relations can have on your family? If I'm going to be honest, that was one of the furthest things from my mind, but…. I feel like I have been enlightened on this subject recently. One of the first things to know is that even though this is a subject usually ignored or one that we generally turn a blind eye to there is a huge impact on the family because of sex. One of these is what happens to victims of rape, how men and women must work together in order to help each other despite their many differences and one way to help you stay faithful to your spouse.  

Victims of rape go through a lot of different things. They feel guilt, fear, despair, and so much more. It is never easy overcoming something like this especially since it hurts your Spirit. This is something many different people have agreed on. It doesn’t just affect you physically, but mentally and emotionally and spiritually. I am sure we all know someone who has been in this situation and seen the effects of it. I’m sure we have also seen many people who have overcome this trial and use their experiences to help others on their various stages of this path. One thing that is crucial for their recovery is to know that others still love them and that they aren’t broken. I heard a story of a young woman who was sexually abused when she was younger, and it affected her for years. She was preparing for a wedding and was terrified, but received council and found out she didn’t need to be afraid any more. We can be that voice of confidence and help for others. Oftentimes the greatest healing can come from being loved by someone who loves you for being you. Once that happens you have no need to be afraid anymore and can remember just how loved you really are.

Cooperation is a key in all aspects of marriage in order for it to be successful, but with intimate relations between a man and a women there is a great need for this type of communication. The patterns or habits for men and women are just opposite each other so, you need to become proficient in give and take. As you do this you are able to overcome any trial that may come your way. As you do this you can avoid all sorts of frustration and disappointment and become united together despite the crazy weather you experience here. 

In a marriage, who do you think the most important relationship is. I personally think it is your spouse. There are so many things you learn from each other and so much strength to be developed together. Despite all this there are some pretty serious consequences when including others in your marriage. One of those being that you might complain about your spouse to other people. WRONG!!!!!! Never ever discuss your relationships with others.  If you do this you end up driving a wedge between your spouse and that is so sad! Marriage is never easy, and there will almost always be a quarrel of some sort, but as you share that quarrel with others they barely look at your life and draw harsh conclusions which aren't accurate. They may never forgive your spouse even though you have long since forgotten thm. Also, do NOT have strong relationships with members of the opposite Gender. It can be detrimental to your marriage and may accidentally lead to an affair. Now, this doesn’t happen all the time but it definitely is a possibility. You spend so much time together one on one that it is almost like a date and you really start to notice the attributes you admire in the other, and then bang it happens. Now this isn’t always the case but often it is. These are all broad generalizations, but I feel like they are super accurate. Here’s to hoping you have a wonderful life, I’ll see you next week!

Forever After!!!!

     Now that we have talked about dating, let's move on to engagement and marriages. Now I’m not going to tell you when you should get engaged or get married. That is way above my pay grade but I am going to throw some thoughts out there for things that should be done during these two times in your life. For example, have you ever considered how your engagement period can help you to prepare for married life, and how much influence God should have in your marriage. 

After you finally have that beautiful ring, or woman life might seem to be at a standstill. You may find yourself wondering, what next? There is no simple solution to this question. One thing you should continue to do is regularly spend time together and still go on dates. Even though you already caught the perfect person, your relationship might start to wane if you never see each other or spend time together. It’s like coming home after a long semester of college and feeling like you don’t really fit in any more. People change. It’s as plain as that. Now, one of the next steps of life is to prepare for your wedding. I’m sure you have seen all of the typical stereotypes with bridezilla, or over planning, or really anything. The truth is planning a wedding is hard work. I have had 4 older siblings get married and 3 of them did it within a year and a week of each other. My poor parents were stuck planning wedding after wedding with very little time in between. I definitely didn’t see all the work put into the weddings but I remember some of it. Now think how much more stressful it will be when it is your wedding!!!! You’ve got to find a dress, tux, plan a reception, send out invitations and so much more! Now think how much more stressful this could be if it is just you doing all this work, not the two of you together. This is why it is super important to both plan the wedding. That way you are both involved in the future of your life, and you get practice making decisions together. I’m sure we’ve all seen people who when you ask them what they want they can’t make up their minds (ME). Well, that is very frustrating, and you don’t want a future of frustration. While all of this is going on, you should also have a basic outline of what you want your married life to look like.

Marriage isn't easy. You are merging two different backgrounds and cultures all into one itty bitty house. Maybe one of you really likes video games, but the other one doesn’t or one of you eats with your mouth open and the other one doesn’t. There are all sorts of things that you need to compromise on. One person can’t be right all the time and take all the things that make the other happy away. It is a practice of give and take. With video games you might compromise on only playing the video games after the homework is done and only for about 4-6 hours a week, while also being willing to give up something you do too much like maybe reading books. There are so many choices to make and it is most likely going to be easier on you if you tackle some of them before they come up and turn into an argument.

The last thing I wanted to mention is making sure  you keep God in your relationship. Building and keeping lasting relationships is really difficult. It is always easier when you have someone willing to be a mediator and help to encourage both of you to see the other side. That is what Heavenly Father can do for you. As you rely on him for strength and guidance he can give you patience and a clear perspective so you can understand your significant other in a different way.You also can make promises or covenants with God that help you both to stay on track and be strengthened during difficult times in your lives. As I said, marriage isn’t easy, but with God it can be easier! When you turn to him in prayer you can rest assured that even though life won't be easy, it will be easier without him!